While this post is not something I expected to be writing about, I suppose I better considering it has been one of the most emailed requests I have gotten and I am excited to write about it!

Why anti-depressants weren’t for me? A long winded question but I have a long winded answer.

Well where do I start? I have always been a bit of a hippy, perhaps it was growing up out of wedlock, maybe it was my father’s insistent ‘no Panadol unless it was hospital grade’ or maybe my mother’s whole foods approach to growing up. Whatever reason being behind my little inner hippy I have no idea, but I like it and it isn’t something I have attempted to shake when I grow up, it’s something I have embraced and tried to strengthen, alongside my essential oil smelling siblings.

But the no medical intervention that bestowed itself upon me, from me, was something I wanted to stand by. Although the day I walked into the doctor’s room at the age of 15 and cried my little heart out, begging for anything to take the pain away I would have taken it. If it wasn’t for my mothers, steady hand pressed upon my back. While the pain that sat in my heart thumped louder and louder with the thought of continuing with this pain and my head ached a heavy ‘give up’ I knew mum was right, that maybe, just maybe I was put on this earth to conquer pain and therefor become a better, more pain tolerant person.

I could rattle off all the different methods we attempted to fix my broken soul but first off, you need to know the pain did get too much for me at one stage and I decided to trail anti-depressants, of the weakest form, just to see if the highs were worth the chemical come down.

It wasn’t, that two-month trial was the closest I came to suicide, when the chemicals drained from my body at the end of a day, before I climbed into bed at night. It drained the essence of anything good I had left in me with it. All hope, all love and all desire to get better drained from the bottom of my feet, out the window and gone without a trace. In its place sat a darkness I hadn’t felt before, body weak, nausea set in and the darkness sat in my heart, weakening every beat with a ‘boom boom give up boom boom give up’. It was nearly like Bridie had left the room and in stepped a new version of myself, a version I never want to meet again.

When I give my speech in front of groups, without a doubt this question gets asked at the end. “Why didn’t you just try the antidepressants to see” and I explain the concepts of chemical imbalance within the brain and how that cannot be measured so there for substituting that with something you don’t even know is right can surely not be the way to a healthy mind. I had several tests and everything came back fine. My thyroid function and every blood test I underwent claimed I was in peak physical condition so why would I want to change that peak performance in order to give my brain a ‘giddy’ for a few hours. Instead I chose to make the mind beautiful, by myself. For it wasn’t my physical form that needed help, it was my head.

However, hypocritical me was on Levlen (the pill) since a ripe age, in order to attempt to control myself. I did to come off hormone control after my antidepressant trail, I went cold turkey I guess you could say.

It’s hard to say what actual helped in the end, I was doing so much at once to actually signal one thing out.

Although I do know after every kinesiology appointment I felt the darkness turn to light in tiny flickers, like a dodgy light bulb in an abandoned pub room, craving some tender loving care.

Over a week I would have a kinesiology appointment and a counselling session, while fortnightly I saw a naturopath and GP. Every morning consisted of 3 vitamin C, 1 vitamin D and 1 Saint John’s Wart, that changed as we discovered more about vitamins that help the mind and altered to suit.

My mother is the only nurse I know who would spend the day helping people with medical help than come home to have her kale smoothie and lather herself in hemp cream and a spoonful of apple cider vinegar. So she always saw the positives in holistic medicine and modern medicine. So don’t for a second believe that I was narrow minded about my beliefs.

I even wanted to get my brain zapped, I am not going to describe the process of brain zapping but feel free to look it up, some of the most vivid and horrific approaches to an unhealthy head, of course mum and dad refused to let that happen.

My dad was always under the belief that this emotional hurdle I was clambering was just part of growing up and like a high tide at night it would again return to its haven, away from my head. Parts of me wanted to believe that and other parts of me knew that what I was experiencing was not normal and disregarded his tough love approach but found comfort in his warm hugs and felt the empathy wash through him when he saw my tired eyes.

You see people were depression rates have risen tenfold over the last 10 years, alongside them suicide rates. While I knew that in the back of my mind, I knew antidepressants weren’t all they were said to be, if they were why were people still sad.

I won’t go into detail about every form of holistic medicine we attempted as not everyone wants to hear it, but I am more than happy to talk about it if you ask.

I remember the day everything I was working on seemed to shine, when I explained in a previous post about the day everything turned and I cut all my long hair like some symbolised Instagram model quoting ‘new hair new me’ and bathed in the love of the people who were willing to give it.

Sometimes I think maybe that was the problem all along and I should have never surrounded myself around negative people, maybe If I worked out who I was before devoting my time to any given person and only bathed in the love of my friends and family I wouldn’t have experienced depression, or maybe not as long anyway.

Too many people avoid the issue and make a permeant solution to a temporary problem. So I wanted to make sure I was fixed permanently and I wouldn’t have to take to a bottle of pills whenever a small wave of emotion washed over me, I have already withstood a tidal wave I can handle a wave.

So why I will continue to wear cotton underwear and use normal deodorant. That inner hippy within me will take her coconut oil and use that reusable coffee cup, because I owe it to that inner hippy, I owe her so damn much.

If anyone has any questions about alternative medicines or wants to know about all the different methods, I used feel free to message me.

If you see my mother or father walking down the street, make sure you give them a pat on the back for their constant ‘no antidepressant push’.

If you are feel sad, my dear the best is yet to come and that darkness will be oh so light once again, believe me I know.