THE NEXT PHASE

When I did a vote if you want to hear about the past or future majority ruled with a future post, I started wondering why and Nick happily told me after my recent post on Instagram you would all be thinking I may be pregnant  “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about stages of life and this is the one thing I am most defiantly aware and positive of. Im physically, mentally and emotionally ready to enter the new phase of my life. I’m ready to grow and get better.”

But sorry to disappoint, I’m not. Despite my hankering for a baby growing inside of me, I am extremely old fashioned and believe a ring should be on my finger before hand. So before I delve onto exposing the “new phase” of my life I am so desperately searching for. Let me explain the above so you all don’t think I am some granny who looks upon children out of wedlock in disgust (I am a child out of wedlock!)

I like to believe my parents break up didn’t effect me. I always knew one day I would find a love that made the sunsets warm my soul and my head seem not so crazy, I knew that. But I also knew I was difficult, how hard must it be to wake beside the women you love, tears already streaming down her face before 7am, eyes black from no sleep and a echo in her voice that made the dogs dare not enter the room. Then other days wake with a skip in her step and a aura that made the day seem like the warmest of spring days. I knew that could be a possibility. I knew that the depression I once had and the overly emotional soul I contain deserved a entirinity love. So I vowed when I found the man that made my soul go “oh there you are I have been waiting for you”, I would marry him, one, because I needed to know the he knew what he was in for and two, I don’t want my children to grow up in two houses, I don’t want them to have a step father. Because as much as I like to think my parents break up didn’t effect me, the way I will choose to raise my children and my search for truely love clearly proved me wrong.

So there you have it, I simply want to be loved, to the highest of abilities before I love my children to the best of my ability. Makes sense? Of course it does! Everyone deserves love and everyone deserves to celebrate that love. Before or after children, it’s up to you. But for me I need some self confirmation before.

Ok where was I? Argh the next phase or “new phase”, psychology I know there is something coming for me. Maybe it’s personal growth, perhaps one morning I will wake and and light will beam into our room and I will know that overnight I have somehow grown and today I am a different person.

It’s like I am stuck between two people, who I was and who I want to be. I was wild at uni, and when I say wild I truely mean it. I was carefree and oh so happy but I always knew it wasn’t who I was going to be forever. Now I am not sure who I am but it’s not who I am going to be forever. But I will know, like when you fall in love “you know when you know” but for the time being I am emotionally unsettled and in all honestly I am not bubbling a whole heap of happiness. I am in this rutt of no growth.

It’s internal, completely internal. You see we work on ourselves everyday and I have always had this image of who I want that to be. I have this friend I went to uni with, she was the human version of sunshine. She simply made me feel loved and appreciated, never a down day. You need to smile, even on your saddest day. You need to be humble, no matter the success and you need to listen more and talk less. People have different versions of who they want to be, but this is most defiantly mine. I want there to be a light I feel in my chest that makes the days seem shorter and the affect rub off onto the people I pass.

My father has this way of walking into a room and making the energy lift, he smiles and his loud voice fills the loneliness in strangers bones, his laugh echoes in their chest and his friendly chitchat could make even the shyest of men come out of his shell, turn from a turtle to a butterfly for the remainder of his day.

We take bits and pieces from people on our journey, we absorb the bits we want and disregard the bits we don’t. Those qualities are different for everyone, some people love strong willed and loud people so they take those qualities with them.

Maybe my next phase is recognition I can do that, maybe it’s a sign that I am evolving…

But I do know this, I have been stuck in a rutt, I feel like I am running on empty and there is no goodness left inside of me to pick up speed and get to my next goal, and I am just hoping I can smile soon, smile and truely mean it and my tears of sadness are replaced by nothing but a bubble of joy everyday, thankful for the journey I am on and the people I have around me.

But here is some things I know about the future, considering majority of you wanted to know about it, partly because I think you all want to know when I am gonna get knocked up.

I have more to give career wise, I am not at the top of the ladder yet. The next phase will hopefully take me to the top.

Mental Health wise, I still have so much I want to change. Telling my story was only the start of something, but I am going to leave the rest quiet and let you take it in as it comes.

I am going to marry Nick, marry the shit out of him. But he will ask me that when he knows the time is right, when his heart tells him to, it could be in 10 years or it could be next week. But for now we are just content in our love bubble.

I am gonna have children, I am going to be that mother that could make her own football team with children. I am going to love them more than I have ever loved anything in this world.  I will than hit a new phase and become a different person. These kids will be the life of me, the essence to my being and the beat that keeps my heart beating.

So there you have it, the future, wrapped into one little blog post.

Bird x

 

RELATIONSHIPS WITH FOOD

I know this kind of blog topic seems off course to what I usually write about, but trust me it’s not. Some people have such a relationship with food that it changes their emotional ability to see themselves in a light of beauty.

When I had depression, my diet altered dramatically. I come from a health conscious family, extremely health conscious. But health conscious in a way that meat and vegetables were dinners most nights, but I could still take a sneaky packet of potato chips to school. I guess I was lucky in the respect that I received my father metabolism and would never truely exceed a weight limit that made me overweight and I never actually craved a body that wasn’t mine, I was always happy in the skin I was in.

So the constant chocolate binge obsessions turned to vegetable chips, black tea turned to herbal. But it wasn’t even during this time of hardship I realised everyone has a relationship with food. It’s now I am strengthening one hell of a relationship with food. When I moved to university I had a friend who I lived with. She would tell me about the nights with her family,  they would share around the table wonderful roasted vegetables they had grown in the garden, she would talk of these nights with such love and passion. So of course she would spend her night cooking our uni house a wonderful roast, of all the goodies she brought back with her from the weekend at home. I was always so jealous of that, I was jealous that her meals tasted equivalent to a mum hug and she didn’t need to look at a recipe book to whip up something wonderful. So I took a mental note, that when the time comes my family and I would sit at our table every night, without fail. No tv couch dinners and if I am lucky enough to spend my days in the vegetable patch, all the food on their plate will be home grown. I took the note and never thought of it again.

Then I moved in with Nick and this journey of making a home together begun and that mental note popped back out to remind me of the goodness I will one day create.

So since then I have been building this strong relationship with food, I chew slowly, I let the smells fill the house and I let Nicks reaction tell me what I need to know. We sit at the table and we talk about our day while fuelling our body with what we need. My university bodyweight chub has gone, the dirt from the garden now imbeds itself under my nails and I shop organic. I now know that ‘meat and veg’ is sure sustainable, but its shithouse compared to other things I can create. Nutritionally and ‘deliciously’.

So why am I writing this post you ask? My sister – my beauiful, talented and bountiful sister. 10 years between us, the gap never seeming real evident, although now it’s like there is no gap at all.

My father is really the only emotionally vulnerable member of my family, the others hold a sense of strength and confidence that my father and I didn’t seem to gain. We received an extra bone so to speak, one that caused us to be hurt by the words that spin from peoples mouths and cause an ache in our chest, we cover it with a smile but hold it dear to our heart. This particular sister, held a fire in her chest we all lacked, a passionate burn that made her confidence known when she walked into the room.

So when she told me she hates her relationship with food and she doesn’t like the way she looks at herself in the mirror my heart ached, one for the narrow minded way I had looked at her, like she wasn’t struggling emotionally like I sometimes do, and two I wished she could see the way I looked at her, through my eyes, in utter ore.

She told me of the calorie counting, the guilt after sugar and the look in the mirror. She told me that she is aware of it, for so long she thought it was normal and I guess she is right. So many people think that is normal, that tracking daily intakes is normal and packaged meals “aren’t all that bad”.

I love to hear her talk now when she calls, I love to hear her relationship with food strengthen and her confidence shine a new light we haven’t seen before. With the confidence came an emotional trigger that has softened her persona in a way that makes me think the sun might shine out her bum. I love the smell that fills her home when I walk in and I love the photos of her kids eating dinner around the table. She reads books from influential people, she has kinesiology appointments, podcasts fill her ears and wholesome goodness fills her stomach. So I took another mental note.

When I have children, especially a daughter. I won’t talk about her weight, I won’t talk about body appearance and we will dare not look upon anyone else under judgement. I will tell her she’s beautiful every day, we will cook in the kitchen while Sam Smith plays in the back ground. We will eat at the table with the rest of our family, I will tell her about pesticides and the importance of pink salt over white. We will eat big, rich chocolate cakes for her birthday and we will relish in all the wonderful memories that are made over food, not once will you hear a “you shouldn’t eat that”, no food guilt will pass through our home.

To my sister – there is nothing I value more than our relationship, I hope one day it clicks and you see the way I see you, as the caring, empathetic and emotionally worthy person you are. I hope the guilt leaves the room and never comes back, I hope you wear what you want and the confidence oozes from your body in the most contagious way.

To everyone who struggles with body image and food guilt remember this – that body you are given can withstand the utmost of pain, the least you can do is help it out in all the ways you can. But first, make the mind beautiful, the rest will follow.

Bird x