Psychologically there is something missing from my life, there always has been. It took me so long to work it out, I always knew there was something missing. I guess a part of that filled when I met Nick but the one thing every muscle in my body aches for is a family.
I know it sounds weird to talk about at 21, well weird for you maybe but for me I have been busting to have a family for as long as I can remember. Under no merit would I ever abide by that until I had the right man and of course was in a situation that was fitting for a family.
But I want to talk to you about it..
You see I know this girl, she was in year 12 when I started year 7, I remember her smile making a school corridor not so gloomy, her party nature stopping when she met a boy soon after school. She was married at 20 and had her first child at 21, living on a farm on the country side and soaking every little bit of life in with her three beautiful children. You wouldn’t think she is 24 when you look at her, her maturity lingers in the air and her happiness wraps around you when you come across her in the street. Perfection bubbles from her body, via social media and face to face. What a women, what an absolute women. She created a life she wanted and in turn her little family will become strong.
The reasoning to why I am telling you about her is this – she didn’t travel, she didn’t want to. She didn’t live wild and free, she didn’t want to. She lost friends, simply because they were on a different path. She gained friends, ones who were heading in the same direction. She has a tough past, but made it a point not to bring it into the future.
She had that ache, she knew what she wanted and she did it. Disregarded the ones around her who didn’t think she was capable and did it.
You see not everyone wants what you want (hard to imagine I know right?!). So in no right to you have the authority to give you opinion onto how someone choses to live, unless they ask. So take that as a little life tip, listen and don’t give feedback unless you are asked.
I can’t remember much before the age of 15, I don’t know why, maybe it was my brains way of blocking out things I didn’t want to remember, some type of defence mechanism. Maybe I just went to sleep and washed my brain clear, woke up the next morning a new version of Bridie. But I do remember how it felt to be loved by family, I remember sisters poking and prodding me and brothers blaming everything on me. I remember little things, I remember how god damn good it felt. But I remember some bad things to, like craving a sibling of the same age and hopping from dads to mums and vice-versa.
Now maybe it’s my body aching for that feeling of a full home back in my life, maybe that’s why I have want a family. Maybe I want something to call my own, or maybe I just want create decent humans who are told they are loved everyday and can spread that into the world.
I remember having a conversation with my grandad one morning, not long ago. The sun was beaming in the sun room and made the area seem cosy and warm. Grandad told me of a time his friend said “it’s nice when the kids visit, but isn’t it good when they go,” and this was my grandads response.
“What a cruel thing that is to think, I hate when my kids leave, no one should want that, let alone say that.”
I still think about it everyday, those children who feel like it’s a chore to visit their parents, dinner time conversation not delving deeper than the weather. My heart aches for them…
Despite the fact grandad tells me I was born to be a mother, it baffles me that people can not like their own children, it is under my understanding that you create those people so who they are and who they become reflects your parenting. People take what they like and don’t like from people, based upon judgement. Remember that…
But here is what I know, parents complaining about parenthood in front of their children angers me. A hollow pit in my stomach is left behind after my niece/nephew hug me. People who aren’t ready to have children, discouraging others who are simply for the sake of what they missed out on. Women trying everything they can to get back to their pre baby body, while other women would die for those stretch marks and nutrious post baby ‘podge’.
Before I finish this blog and all you mothers are reading this with a “Bridie she hasn’t had a child how would she know” let me tell you this – I have 9 siblings and 24 nieces and nephews, I have a niece who is one year older than me. There is 10 years between me and the sibling above me, I spent so long of my life being the only child at home. I have spent my 21 years of life building for my future family, arguing every person who tells me to dream bigger. My body has forced tears, every time I hold a new born. Once I have children and the bags around my eyes are darker than yours and my tummy won’t let me tie my shoes than you can say “I told you so”.
I will wait until the time is right, but don’t for a second think I will listen to this ”too young” nonsense.
Children do not ruin anything, they enrich everything.