THE EMOTIONAL THRESHOLD

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my emotional sense and how I share what I feel too often, and that maybe, just perhaps if someone reads this they will understand just why I like to confess every little thing that twirls in my mind.

I remember when I was in the pit of depression, the only light I saw was from the words of my pal –  “the best is yet to come.” I remember running those words through my head as the bubble of pain arose in class or washed like a tide of heavy sheets at night. I remember his love. You see we had been best friends for as long as I could remember but when he knew of my battles this side of him opened up, a side I had never seen before. The constant pats on the back, the constant care and affection that flowed from his body whenever I was around, kept me going when things got bad. I decided to do the same, on a permanent basis, I yelled when I was mad, I cried when I was sad and I smiled when I was happy but I always told people how I felt.

People deserve love, not on a part time basis. My father has always been a giver, a sharer (a little too much at times) and I guess when I was born that part of him I inherited and I became the crave for honestly, as raw as the day day I was born and the power to give it was evident, well I made it evident.

So I told my mum I loved her more, I told my sisters their friendship sits deep within my chest and continues to make my heart beat beautiful blood through my veins, I told my friends they looked nice today, I hugged when I hadn’t seen someone in a while and I shared every little part of my emotional sense with the people around me, for they deserved to feel better than I was at the time.

You see the poisonous pain that oozed my veins seemed diluted when I could share that with someone, it seemed so physical. Getting wrapped in my fathers arms at night felt like a majestic painting of energies colliding and creating an orb of understanding.

I told my mum to tell me she loves me before she hangs up the phone, every time. I told her that my head needs to hear it so it can tell my heart to keep beating.

I told my sisters to answer the phone at all hours of the night, I told them the sound of their voice made my ears tell my feet to keep moving.

I told my dad a kiss on the head at night was vital, that it told my body I will wake in the morning.

I told my friends treat me like a ball of cotton-wool, just until I can shed the wool myself- like a Dorper heading into the summer months, wool wound around fence wire disgust lingering in lanolin.

If I left the world, I wanted people to know exactly how I felt about them. I wanted to be remembered as the one who made their presence lighter, who oozed love and bleached it on the skin of the ones I held so dear. Like the last dreg of pub squash I would suck at their pain and leave them ready for another, fresh serving.

The thing that baffles me is I was in control of that, whether I die or live. I chose to live and share that love I chose to live. As affection and feel good emotions that flowed from me every so often were from people who were willing to show it.

I don’t want to wake up one day and find a loved one gone and regret the love I didn’t give.

Yesterday on the way home from work a motorbike accident happened, as I ran towards the accident, phone in hand dialing 000, my heart ached for the ones he loved so dearly, but had no idea just how he felt or maybe he was a sharer and told them daily, maybe his phone was filled with “I love you xx”.

Fortunately everyone was okay and the fear of death stunted a reaction of emotional in his body to tell his family he loves them, it stunned my body to do the same – hence why I write this.

Don’t be that person, share love, share so much love, make love as essential as breathing. I am a living, breathing reason why it is so important to ones head. For that breath in my body is from affection and love, now my life is so full of it it makes my heart swell and cheeks flame red.

Make your feelings evident, even if they don’t want to be heard, you will regret it if you don’t.

I had a friend in school, every time she would invite me over to her home I would jump at the opportunity for I got to watch her parents hold hands, her sister stare at her with admiration and laughter lift the roof at dinner.

I will create that, I hope my children’s friends jump at the opportunity to visit our home, warmth flooded from the front door upon their feet as they turn the handle, Nick’s kiss on the top of my head after a hard day and they leave with a belly full of yummy goods and a sense of ” the best is yet to come” and they return to their homes to kiss their mother on the cheek and “how was your day?” to their father.

Poor Nick has to lie in bed at night and listen to how much I love him, dad has to listen to “I love you promise to be careful and I will promise to be good”, mum has 15 phone calls a day and my siblings have a “coffee?” message waiting whenever I can. While sometimes the love isn’t in my words or theirs, perhaps it’s in the hug, or maybe the arm around the shoulder.

In no way and I saying tell everyone the last time you had a bowl movement, I am just telling you to tell them you love them. That maybe that tiny flicker of love you feel is a sign that you should confess, you never know how badly someone needs to hear something. Your friend’s hair looks nice? Tell them. A stranger has a nice shirt? Tell them.

Tell your brother your listening to his dreams, tell your sister she is all you need, tell your mother she is the only one and your father has made you all you have become.

There is still so much love I want to give, there is still so much I am working on, in my head and in my body. But for the moment my words are all I can give, and I will continue to give them as just as much as it helps the ones I tell I love, their smile when hearing it fixes my insides.

To dear Brad – “The best is yet to come” and hangs from my neck on the days I need reminding, today it sit’s with pride as those words are the most truthful yet.

To you all – You are enough, your doing great and you have got this. nick.jpg

Love Bird x

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