2018 and me

Okay, well as 2018 looms in less then 8 hours I can’t help but feel excited for the year thats ahead and unlike a fresh 18 year old’s Instagram post 2018 will not mean ‘a new year and a new me.”

2017 gave me a new home, new job(s), the love of my life and of course the best little dog in the world. Although, on an emotional basis it has given me relief, stability and for the first time in a long time a happiness that oozes from my body.

Before I go on to tell you about what my plans are for 2018 I feel like you need to know this – New Years resolutions aren’t the be all and end all, don’t set an expectation for a year, expectation killed the cat and it will kill your hope. Just ride the year out, acknowledge the way you are feeling and brace yourself for what lies ahead, whatever it may be.

2018 and me (and you) –

Be resilient – the worlds people say will not affect my sparkle anymore, nor should it dim yours. Take it to the chin, laugh and nod.

Do you – don’t waste time on people who aren’t willing to give it to you, don’t follow in friendships that drain the energy from your body. Do you, for you!  I mean this in the most unselfish, least arrogant way. You don’t want to go to the party? Don’t. You don’t want to take that new job? Don’t. You don’t feel like working late at night? Don’t. Focus on you, feed that body beautiful goods but most of all feed that mind beautiful thoughts.

Don’t expect happiness – We didn’t not evolve to be continually happy, what a strange and beautiful world it would be if that was a case. Remember that, remember it after a long day and your bones ache with tired movement and you just want to sleep, remember that when the tears seep from your eyes and make the heart bubble with pain. Remember this is life, learn the best ways to deal with it, but don’t expect constant happiness.

The apple falls far from the tree (I know I promised a blog post on this one, I am working on it!) – You see I am either being told I look like mum and dad, that the words that dribble from m mouth are sometimes too closely similar to that of my parents. While it has never bothered me and it shouldn’t bother you, it has dawned on me lately that I will be me and I can take the good bits from my parents, although I will not become clones of their being. Nick and I have been talking a lot lately about the way we grew up, all the good stuff! But it got me thinking, traditions start when you want them to, you can create the people you want to see in this world. So when my time comes and we are creating a family and they little personalities are absorbing everything I will remember this – Take the good and leave the bad.

Last but not least! This is the one I am going to be taking with me, I am gonna grip it with both hands and live by it.

 

2018 is a new year – remember everything that happened in the past happen

 

ed, you can’t change it but you can learn from it. Take 2018 as your ‘get out of 2017 jail free card’, anyone who holds you to it is cruel and if you let it play on your mind, your just as guilty of cruel behaviour.

There ya have it! What me and you can do in the New Year.

2017, thank you for being so kind to me, thank you for the lessons and the laughs. While it’s time to say goodbye you should know this, in the years to come I will be telling my children of 2017, the year I was a rural journalist, communications officer, project officer, the year I told the world about my battles, the year I met their father and the year Peggy fumbled into my home. The year their mum learnt that the beat in her chest was for so many reasons than to survive.25550287_342837876191039_7483234301488946965_n

Little lights in my heart

I want to run a theory by you, one I have been thinking about a lot lately. Have you heard the song? All the little lights by Passenger, if you haven’t I have attached it below for reference. As this is where the thought stems from, every time I hear the words it takes me into a drift of, ‘maybe this is true’.

Here is my version of the song and the way I have created it, in my overthinking head.

Maybe we are born with millions of little lights in our heart, obviously in a hypothetical sense. Pure to the world and when unfortunate things happen to us or that raw, obvious love disappears a little light turns off, until eventually all the little lights turn off along with our last breath.

These lights are the essence to our being, them going out takes away the good purity we were born with, maybe it comes back on when it is deserving.

While I have been trying to pin point when some of my internal twinkle of fairy lights went out and obviously, when others came back on. It  is a task I didn’t think I would be doing on my hour commute every day.

While it has seemed therapeutic this past week, re kindling essence from the past like an old pub light ”zapping’ in and out of consciousness bringing attention to it’s every move.

To everyone who knows I am a preacher of maintaining adolescence, alone. Without a lover. I didn’t really understand why until I was counting out the lights that went out within me in the years, while majority o them are to the fault of my own, as everyone’s are many could have been avoided.

(I will make note now to write my next blog post on the above, written and duly noted!)

A little light went off when I was 7 and the two people who are meant to teach you love failed.

One went out went out in room 354 English class at the age of 16 when a loud mouthed teenage girl told me she kissed my boyfriend.

One went out when I lied to my father, I told him the party was only small.

One went out with a sold sign at 1 Weramu Street, Tallangatta.

One went out at a lonely party in Eskdale.

One went out went out when dad got sick and the ambulance bells rang the local street and echoed even louder in my chest.

One went out when the doctor said my head was normal, though I don’t believe that light will ever come back on, I don’t really want it to. I hope a light of my best friends shined brighter the day I was given the clear.

That’s the goodness we see in people, after thinking about this I am constantly bathing in the light that others give off, feeling comfortable in their aura of goodness, empathy washing over me for the pain that must of of occurred to make some lights turn off.

Other people whose lights are so dim it’s hard to see the horizon, I wonder if their lights turned off on account of their own accord, or maybe they were just unfortunate in events.

But you see some people could have the entire being ripped from their physical world and still not let their light go out, I am in ore of those people who refuse to click a switch. Who carry on with a ‘ this is the way it is, don’t bring me down’ and stroll the local streets with an essence of beauty and a feeling of ore in their path.

Maybe it’s a good willed attempt at making people revive the bad doing in their actions and only do good.

 

 

WHY ANTI-DEPRESSANTS WEREN’T FOR ME

 

While this post is not something I expected to be writing about, I suppose I better considering it has been one of the most emailed requests I have gotten and I am excited to write about it!

Why anti-depressants weren’t for me? A long winded question but I have a long winded answer.

Well where do I start? I have always been a bit of a hippy, perhaps it was growing up out of wedlock, maybe it was my father’s insistent ‘no Panadol unless it was hospital grade’ or maybe my mother’s whole foods approach to growing up. Whatever reason being behind my little inner hippy I have no idea, but I like it and it isn’t something I have attempted to shake when I grow up, it’s something I have embraced and tried to strengthen, alongside my essential oil smelling siblings.

But the no medical intervention that bestowed itself upon me, from me, was something I wanted to stand by. Although the day I walked into the doctor’s room at the age of 15 and cried my little heart out, begging for anything to take the pain away I would have taken it. If it wasn’t for my mothers, steady hand pressed upon my back. While the pain that sat in my heart thumped louder and louder with the thought of continuing with this pain and my head ached a heavy ‘give up’ I knew mum was right, that maybe, just maybe I was put on this earth to conquer pain and therefor become a better, more pain tolerant person.

I could rattle off all the different methods we attempted to fix my broken soul but first off, you need to know the pain did get too much for me at one stage and I decided to trail anti-depressants, of the weakest form, just to see if the highs were worth the chemical come down.

It wasn’t, that two-month trial was the closest I came to suicide, when the chemicals drained from my body at the end of a day, before I climbed into bed at night. It drained the essence of anything good I had left in me with it. All hope, all love and all desire to get better drained from the bottom of my feet, out the window and gone without a trace. In its place sat a darkness I hadn’t felt before, body weak, nausea set in and the darkness sat in my heart, weakening every beat with a ‘boom boom give up boom boom give up’. It was nearly like Bridie had left the room and in stepped a new version of myself, a version I never want to meet again.

When I give my speech in front of groups, without a doubt this question gets asked at the end. “Why didn’t you just try the antidepressants to see” and I explain the concepts of chemical imbalance within the brain and how that cannot be measured so there for substituting that with something you don’t even know is right can surely not be the way to a healthy mind. I had several tests and everything came back fine. My thyroid function and every blood test I underwent claimed I was in peak physical condition so why would I want to change that peak performance in order to give my brain a ‘giddy’ for a few hours. Instead I chose to make the mind beautiful, by myself. For it wasn’t my physical form that needed help, it was my head.

However, hypocritical me was on Levlen (the pill) since a ripe age, in order to attempt to control myself. I did to come off hormone control after my antidepressant trail, I went cold turkey I guess you could say.

It’s hard to say what actual helped in the end, I was doing so much at once to actually signal one thing out.

Although I do know after every kinesiology appointment I felt the darkness turn to light in tiny flickers, like a dodgy light bulb in an abandoned pub room, craving some tender loving care.

Over a week I would have a kinesiology appointment and a counselling session, while fortnightly I saw a naturopath and GP. Every morning consisted of 3 vitamin C, 1 vitamin D and 1 Saint John’s Wart, that changed as we discovered more about vitamins that help the mind and altered to suit.

My mother is the only nurse I know who would spend the day helping people with medical help than come home to have her kale smoothie and lather herself in hemp cream and a spoonful of apple cider vinegar. So she always saw the positives in holistic medicine and modern medicine. So don’t for a second believe that I was narrow minded about my beliefs.

I even wanted to get my brain zapped, I am not going to describe the process of brain zapping but feel free to look it up, some of the most vivid and horrific approaches to an unhealthy head, of course mum and dad refused to let that happen.

My dad was always under the belief that this emotional hurdle I was clambering was just part of growing up and like a high tide at night it would again return to its haven, away from my head. Parts of me wanted to believe that and other parts of me knew that what I was experiencing was not normal and disregarded his tough love approach but found comfort in his warm hugs and felt the empathy wash through him when he saw my tired eyes.

You see people were depression rates have risen tenfold over the last 10 years, alongside them suicide rates. While I knew that in the back of my mind, I knew antidepressants weren’t all they were said to be, if they were why were people still sad.

I won’t go into detail about every form of holistic medicine we attempted as not everyone wants to hear it, but I am more than happy to talk about it if you ask.

I remember the day everything I was working on seemed to shine, when I explained in a previous post about the day everything turned and I cut all my long hair like some symbolised Instagram model quoting ‘new hair new me’ and bathed in the love of the people who were willing to give it.

Sometimes I think maybe that was the problem all along and I should have never surrounded myself around negative people, maybe If I worked out who I was before devoting my time to any given person and only bathed in the love of my friends and family I wouldn’t have experienced depression, or maybe not as long anyway.

Too many people avoid the issue and make a permeant solution to a temporary problem. So I wanted to make sure I was fixed permanently and I wouldn’t have to take to a bottle of pills whenever a small wave of emotion washed over me, I have already withstood a tidal wave I can handle a wave.

So why I will continue to wear cotton underwear and use normal deodorant. That inner hippy within me will take her coconut oil and use that reusable coffee cup, because I owe it to that inner hippy, I owe her so damn much.

If anyone has any questions about alternative medicines or wants to know about all the different methods, I used feel free to message me.

If you see my mother or father walking down the street, make sure you give them a pat on the back for their constant ‘no antidepressant push’.

If you are feel sad, my dear the best is yet to come and that darkness will be oh so light once again, believe me I know.