Bridie’s list of must do’s

So I promised you all a happy post this week, I have received a few messages and phone calls lately from some friends who are still in school, I guess giving me an inflated sense of self-worth, a flattering feeling to say the least. wondering who they are and struggling with mental

So this is for the people wondering where to next.

Bridie’s list of must do’s

  1.  You don’t need to know what you want to be, I can assure you no one truly knows, at the age of 18 you are still figuring out what makes you happy and what makes you sad, it’s near impossible to choose a career path from that.
  2. Stay single in high school. I beg of you, a relationship swallowed the majority of my high schooling, stripping a lot of the “finding who I am” parts I so desperately needed, however, in saying that if you truly believe he or she is the one then go for it. Just don’t let dilemmas of relationships destroy your innocence so young.
  3. It’s okay to go a little wild every now and then. I am not at university anymore, however, it will forever be the most fun I have ever had. Although everyone thinks an enormity of my memories from the university would be filled with goon and ciggarettes. They weren’t, a lot of the memories I hold so dear are filled with late night cup of teas and house dinner discussions, ice cream trips at 2 am to avoid study. Sure a lot of them were filled with ‘uni nights’ dressed in togas and a red solo cup in hand. But that’s ok, because now I meet up with those friends and talk about the fun we had. That year I had at university gave me so much, so much I wouldn’t have appreciated if I didn’t go wild. So take the beer in one hand and be wild, eat the chocolate cake instead of the salad, stay up past your bedtime and go to that party. It’s ok, you’ll settle when the time is right.
  4.  Tell everyone everything, never hold anything too dear to your chest. My mother is constantly telling me it’s ok to keep things to myself, I won’t have it because it’s not true.  I once saw a post once that said: “I regret opening up to people, they didn’t deserve to know me like that.” What a selfish thing that is to believe, people deserve to know everything, to sympathise and empathise. Tell people when you’re sad and why. Tell people what makes you happy and most of all tell people when you love them and how you value them, they may need to hear it more than you think. The way I look at it is – it’s better to seem like an oversharing fool and making someone else happy then it is to rot with the thoughts of only yourself laying deep within.
  5. You won’t end up where you thought you would but relish in the journey. If someone was to tell me I would be where I am now, before I sat my year 12 exams I would have shredded them right there and then, for the whole world to see. Life is full of these doors, you can open and close whichever ones you choose to and when you choose to. It’s the journey to those doors you need to marinate in. Like a couple of honey soy chicken wings! Soak in the goodness for the moment, because soon you are going to make the tastiest treat yet. The longer you marinate the better you taste. So sure chase what you want, chase that degree, chase that travelling journey, do what you have to but when a door opens, don’t be afraid.
  6. Don’t judge nor condemn what someone else is doing or what path they have chosen to take, you have no right to place your judgement upon anyone. Everyone is just trying to make their way, sure the doors they opened aren’t the ones you would, but who cares, you certainly shouldn’t.
  7. Life is bigger then the town you grew up in, I know it seems like a funny thing to move away from the comfort of which you are used to but trust me. This world is beautiful and longs the patter of your feet, explore it. Even if it’s the town 30 minutes down the road, go there one day, look at the grass and how its greenness is brighter then which you are used to, feel how the wind blows off the mountains and stings your face in the most refreshing way, take your shoes off and feel the sand between your toes and absorb the essence of something different surrounding you.
  8. This one will seem like a cliche but its so true and needs to be said. The body of yours that you are currently in needs to be looked after. I use to moan at my mum when she would tell me a big jog would make me feel better, but she was right. Exercise, run, gym or do yoga! You need that little bit of time alone to exercise, to get the blood pumping. There is an inverse correlation between contentment

    deb 2

    and exercise, don’t waste it.

  9. Listen more and talk less, life is so much more understanding when you listen. Don’t bombard people with your thoughts, let me bombard you, change and alter, move forward, move backwards. Listen to what happens around you and learn from it. There is so much to learn in this lifetime, make sure you hear it.
  10. Don’t seek happiness, we didn’t evolve to constantly happy. Make other people happy and you just might get the back splashes become happy yourself, don’t chase it, let it come.

So there you have it, ten life ‘tips’ for you high school students, wondering where to now.

Please, don’t come back.

When the fear hits and the thoughts in your head swirl to bring you into and uncontrollable spiral that leaches into your soul and bleaches its essence black. When it sucks the life from your bones, that’s when you fall to your knees and beg for it, beg for it not to come back.

It’s the fear that one day I will wake up and wish I didn’t, that the monster within once again sits on my chest, that in that morning it pulls me from below, the support of the mattress not enough for its greedy hands and sucks me down, sucks me into  a form of hell, my own head.

I don’t believe it will do that. I believe it will come at me when I least expect it. When I have the life I have always wanted but am not yet satisfied with the thoughts that run through my head, that slowly every day I will see the negatives of this world. That the cold crisp morning now stings my skin with the ache of a new day, that the laughter that used to sing now rings in my ears in annoyance, that the little snippets of day to day jokes now sit on my chest and my mind, ridiculing the way I look at myself, creeping back into the scars that are forever evident on my body, opening wounds that never properly healed.

You see it won’t be an instant feeling of self-hate, it will be a year-long descent into self-inflicted hell, to my thoughts and to my little prison I once created for myself, one that I did not intend, one that bestowed itself upon my life by chance, certainly not by luck.

It’s as though when it left last time, it waved but smiled,  knowing its return would make up for the fight I put up, that the happiness I felt in its wake will be made up by its slow, gradual painful return, that will wrap its dark limbs around my body and its lips around my heart and suck the life from my being, until I am left more useless than ever before. Making the first round seem of somewhat a walk in the park compared to this.

You see I know it will come back, but when I am unaware. Maybe when I have children and responsibilities that lay heavy, when my children are capable of feeling the sting of pain in our home, maybe months after I say “I Do” to a man who is yet to see the destruction I am capable of and make him regret the vows he once meant, or maybe in a week when adolescents still riddle my body in youth and the enjoyment of fresh life clings to the essence of alcohol and innocent behaviour.

For now, all I can do is push the thoughts below, continue to do what I believe will make me happy and fight the demon that once controlled so much of me, for one day I know I will conquer this in its entirety. But tonight when the lack of sleep entwines my limbs and future decisions rest in my tired mind, the fear is there, it’s as raw as ever.

However, I am not a competitive person, so please, depression, I beg of you, don’t come back.