Fear oh fear

Fear is funny this isn’t it? The most basic emotion known to man, yet the most detrimental to one’s well-being, to an individual’s sense of place. It is the one thing that 18095707_1520392247980436_4506411903236440064_n(1)can potentially end the race before it’s even begun.

When we were children we would fear the monsters under our bed, our bodies gripped tightly to flanettlete sheets as we rested our tired bodies, sweat dripped down your spine and the cold winter air reminded you of a goblin breathing its forest scented breath upon your face. Despite your racing heart you would shut your eyes and try get some sleep, in ore that morning will come and destroy that fear inside your head, we’d pray for morning we would wait for it in hope, like when the sun rose along with its golden rays it would wash the darkness from the day and with it the fear inside you. Every time that bedtime rolled around on the clock that fear would again sit deep within, as you tried to sleep, a continuous cycle. Day in, day out until one day the fear is no longer there and we can sleep knowing that in fact we don’t have monsters under our bed and they are a figment of our imagination, that a leg out of the sheets would not be gripped by the warmth of another being.

But if we as children were given the choice of running from that fear, of avoiding it, if we were given the opportunity to sleep beside our parents and not have to feel that fear, we would have taken it. We were pushed and we learnt, we became better people for that time in our life, where we were pushed to face our demons, to not live with them, to acknowledge them and potentially destroy them.

Now we run from them – when we become a certain age, we made decisions for ourselves, its like we automatically don’t push ourselves and a different fear settles in. A real fear this time, it may be love, it may be life, I don’t know what everyone fears but I know everyone fears something and we run from it given the option.

I am not talking about the blood pumping fear of the dark of the adrenaline fear of roller coasters, I mean fear, the true fear. You know the fear you feel before you walk down the aisle about the man waiting down the other end and if he is really the one. I am talking about fearing you may grow into an adult and become the one person in this lifetime you didn’t want to become. Everyone feels those fears, whether you are game enough to admit it that’s your choice, I will not push anyone into admitting those feelings.

I think for some people they fear happiness, I remember once at school a girl said to me “I’m scared to be happy because every time I am something bad happens”, it baffled me. Like the universe chucked bad luck at her when she began to smile, it broke my heart, still to this day I wonder if she fears happiness. I wonder if everytime her chest bubbles with laughter and her lips curl at the end, if the fear deep within grips up her stomach and tugs at her her heart strings with greedy fingers, those strings pulling the sides of her lips downward and suffocating the air in her lungs so the laughter is cut short. Or I wonder if every time she felt that fear she pushed it down, down deep within and buried it in another place, I wonder if she now fills a room with her presence, I wonder if her smile and charisma leaves people in ore of her presence following her wake.

What a terrible thing to fear – life itself. You see that’s the thing with fear, every time I feel it bubble up from within and cloud my heart, ooze from my pores and settle upon my chest I try to shake it off. I shake and shake until the warmness of my open chest fills my body once again. The same feeling I would get when I’d wrap my arms around my dad after a long day and cry until I thought my heart may combust, that I no longer had to hold it in and I could let it all out, for I had my safe place. But I couldn’t rely on my dad to give me that feeling every day, for I had to grow up.

I fear becoming someone I don’t want to be, I know exactly who I want to be and I know what I want from life, but you see I fear I may not become that. every time someone tells me I need to smile more or talk less that feeling of failure settles in, because that is not who I want to be. I am comfortable in my own skin, don’t get me wrong but I want to be a better person, even on my bad days. When a lack of sleep shows under my eyes and the demons in my head get antsy and want to be harsh, the fear settles in. Because I do not want to be that person and maybe one day I will shake that fear and I could look back and think  I am who I want to be, but for right now I am working on it. I have friends who say the old classic quote  “I am who I am, take it or leave it” that’s fine with me, you can be who you please and say as you want, you can be the nastiest streaked person to walk this planet and I shall not judge you because who am I to judge when I am still trying to become someone better myself.

Fear, its a terrible thing, it’s the one thing that would stop me from swimming a race I could have potentially won in primary school, when the beep before I  had to dive would sound, everyone splashing into the water and I would climb off the block tears streaming down my face shaking from fear, fear I may lose. My mum wrapped a towel around me, disappointed as she knew I could do it but wished I knew it myself.  As others finish their race and the winner was crowned. However, fear will not win this race for I am learning and I will be better, fear doesnt scare me anymore, I can become my own safe place.

 

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