A letter to my future husband

dad dunlookinTo my dearest future husband,

I write this in advance for the sake of my current being, I would like to apologise for what you are going to endure in the time we are together, as it will be to no fault of your own but entirely mine.

I could start this off by listing a number of things I am sorry for, but I think you would already know as I most definitely would have said the word 1000x a day on the lead up to the name change.

So let me start this letter off with a little bit you may already know, if not, you need to hear it.

My father taught me about love, he taught me how much it can hurt, you see I watched my dad the happiest man alive shrivel into an empty sack of sadness come his second divorce. I watched the whites of his eyes turn to murkey yellow, reminding me of duck weed suffocating a once healthy dam; I watched the laugh that use to erupt the room turn to nothing but a huff from the nose, then I watched a man rebuild his entire life in a matter of years. Now 12 years on and the sting still lingers in his words, so excuse me if my ability to give you every part of me is edged with the pain of the past and if I am hesitant to believe your love for me is true. After all, everyone is in love, in the beginning, it’s the staying in love that is the hard part.

I was once told I will never fall in love simply because I love my dad too much, I understand that, I always have, it never offended me, it was true, so blatantly true, but if I have found you then clearly you have to be somewhat of a runners-up in the race to my heart, a second place-getter to the one man I held so close for so long, you will never get that first place, you could come close but I must tell you now, that spot will forever be my fathers.

I am sorry for the days I will yell and cry, I am sorry for the days I won’t have an explanation for my need to stay in bed and the haste in my voice, for the demons in my head became too much over night and now suck at my soul beneath the bed, seething me into the sheets, leaving my body limp and lifeless for the day, unproductive and unexplained for a matter of hours before they subside to their own hell. I hope these days became fewer from the moment I met you and the first time I heard your voice made those demons weaken and you know about the past but haven’t experienced it in the future.

You see everyone falls in love in different ways, with no clue of what our way will be,  I hope for the sake of our future you fell in love with me hard, like a freshly shorn sheep escaping the chaos of the shearing shed and jumping for the shoot to return to greener pastures. I hope you saw the good in my eyes and knew the troubles of my past and grabbed that with open arms. I hope you knew about my emotional inadequateness prior to falling in love, I hope it made you love me more, after all I hope I am more capable once I met you.

I have craved loved, for the only thing I have aspired to be was a mother and wife, so just know if you are my husband and your last name is now mine, I will give you a part of me I know you can break in the hope you know what it means, in the hope you know just how dear that part of me was. I promise that the part of me you are getting is true and that I won’t let my independence ruin our future family.

My sister fell in love when she was 15 and never fell out of it, now a mother of three with a husband who provides nothing but the best for them, I don’t know what age I found you but if it is in a time that I am still in the prime of adolescents and the social antics of my life interrupt the time we spend together just know that I’ll settle, that the pursuit of happiness will stop when I meet you, in the hope you are the happiness at the end of one hell of a road.

The future you plan to build alongside me will most probably consist of babies as I am positive I would have told you about my undeniable need for children, it’s possible I actually told you every day on the lead up to the name change. I am sorry for the push, but hey, at least it didn’t scare you off. Dad said I should never hide my craving for children, for boys will run and men will stay, it’s a way of culling the unmatched misshapen heartthrobs from my life.

I am not sure how many toads I had to kiss to find you and I am unsure of the damage the relationships prior to you had on me and my sensitive heart, however, I can tell you in this present moment, I write this in 2017 at the ripe old age of 20 – I was once told that my emotional consistency was draining and I drain the life from some with my constant need to delve deeper, so if we got here congratulations for obtaining that life and not letting me suck the happiness from your eyes with my forever unkempt thoughts. I hope I put the life back into you, I hope my thoughts compliment yours in a way that makes me feel somewhat normal.  I hope those words that I was once told have no meaning when it comes to you and I hope you linger on every word I say, no matter how deep the word, I hope you linger with utter ore. After all, it is what my father loved about me for so long, I hope you do too.

I hope you look at me like the sun shines out my chest, I hope everytime you touch me you restore my faith in love and day by day I become so undamaged our children will love wholeheartedly from day one and they maintain the glue that will hold our little family together.

I write this letter to you now so you can comprehend the emotions you are currently feeling and if it is a day where the demons all became too much in my head and I am currently curled up in my bed and you are struggling to understand what you said or did this time around, just know if my last name is yours I trusted you with my heart that is now in your hands, don’t break it, take a deep breath tell me you love me and we will get through it, you had your warning.

Yours kindly, from here on till forever

No longer Bridie Maybell Edwards

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