A letter to my future husband

dad dunlookinTo my dearest future husband,

I write this in advance for the sake of my current being, I would like to apologise for what you are going to endure in the time we are together, as it will be to no fault of your own but entirely mine.

I could start this off by listing a number of things I am sorry for, but I think you would already know as I most definitely would have said the word 1000x a day on the lead up to the name change.

So let me start this letter off with a little bit you may already know, if not, you need to hear it.

My father taught me about love, he taught me how much it can hurt, you see I watched my dad the happiest man alive shrivel into an empty sack of sadness come his second divorce. I watched the whites of his eyes turn to murkey yellow, reminding me of duck weed suffocating a once healthy dam; I watched the laugh that use to erupt the room turn to nothing but a huff from the nose, then I watched a man rebuild his entire life in a matter of years. Now 12 years on and the sting still lingers in his words, so excuse me if my ability to give you every part of me is edged with the pain of the past and if I am hesitant to believe your love for me is true. After all, everyone is in love, in the beginning, it’s the staying in love that is the hard part.

I was once told I will never fall in love simply because I love my dad too much, I understand that, I always have, it never offended me, it was true, so blatantly true, but if I have found you then clearly you have to be somewhat of a runners-up in the race to my heart, a second place-getter to the one man I held so close for so long, you will never get that first place, you could come close but I must tell you now, that spot will forever be my fathers.

I am sorry for the days I will yell and cry, I am sorry for the days I won’t have an explanation for my need to stay in bed and the haste in my voice, for the demons in my head became too much over night and now suck at my soul beneath the bed, seething me into the sheets, leaving my body limp and lifeless for the day, unproductive and unexplained for a matter of hours before they subside to their own hell. I hope these days became fewer from the moment I met you and the first time I heard your voice made those demons weaken and you know about the past but haven’t experienced it in the future.

You see everyone falls in love in different ways, with no clue of what our way will be,  I hope for the sake of our future you fell in love with me hard, like a freshly shorn sheep escaping the chaos of the shearing shed and jumping for the shoot to return to greener pastures. I hope you saw the good in my eyes and knew the troubles of my past and grabbed that with open arms. I hope you knew about my emotional inadequateness prior to falling in love, I hope it made you love me more, after all I hope I am more capable once I met you.

I have craved loved, for the only thing I have aspired to be was a mother and wife, so just know if you are my husband and your last name is now mine, I will give you a part of me I know you can break in the hope you know what it means, in the hope you know just how dear that part of me was. I promise that the part of me you are getting is true and that I won’t let my independence ruin our future family.

My sister fell in love when she was 15 and never fell out of it, now a mother of three with a husband who provides nothing but the best for them, I don’t know what age I found you but if it is in a time that I am still in the prime of adolescents and the social antics of my life interrupt the time we spend together just know that I’ll settle, that the pursuit of happiness will stop when I meet you, in the hope you are the happiness at the end of one hell of a road.

The future you plan to build alongside me will most probably consist of babies as I am positive I would have told you about my undeniable need for children, it’s possible I actually told you every day on the lead up to the name change. I am sorry for the push, but hey, at least it didn’t scare you off. Dad said I should never hide my craving for children, for boys will run and men will stay, it’s a way of culling the unmatched misshapen heartthrobs from my life.

I am not sure how many toads I had to kiss to find you and I am unsure of the damage the relationships prior to you had on me and my sensitive heart, however, I can tell you in this present moment, I write this in 2017 at the ripe old age of 20 – I was once told that my emotional consistency was draining and I drain the life from some with my constant need to delve deeper, so if we got here congratulations for obtaining that life and not letting me suck the happiness from your eyes with my forever unkempt thoughts. I hope I put the life back into you, I hope my thoughts compliment yours in a way that makes me feel somewhat normal.  I hope those words that I was once told have no meaning when it comes to you and I hope you linger on every word I say, no matter how deep the word, I hope you linger with utter ore. After all, it is what my father loved about me for so long, I hope you do too.

I hope you look at me like the sun shines out my chest, I hope everytime you touch me you restore my faith in love and day by day I become so undamaged our children will love wholeheartedly from day one and they maintain the glue that will hold our little family together.

I write this letter to you now so you can comprehend the emotions you are currently feeling and if it is a day where the demons all became too much in my head and I am currently curled up in my bed and you are struggling to understand what you said or did this time around, just know if my last name is yours I trusted you with my heart that is now in your hands, don’t break it, take a deep breath tell me you love me and we will get through it, you had your warning.

Yours kindly, from here on till forever

No longer Bridie Maybell Edwards

Education – a necessity, when done right.

The funny thing is, lately I have been so happy I have been struggling to find the words to string together for another blog write up of bubbling emotions bursting from my lips and onto the page to confess to you all.

However, I do have a lot of things in my mind and of course, I am always over thinking every situation so I thought I would aim this one at a subject I usually don’t write about, but I will give it a red hot crack, sorry if it doesn’t meet the emotional heartache of a standard I have created, you can all just hang on for a day the tidal wave strikes again, I ensure you it is coming.

The good old education system, argh brilliant isn’t it!?

I hated school, every little bit of it, not because of the fact I was consistently bullied or the fact I never truly excelled in anything that made me stand out from any other student. Because of the whole glorified system that has been put together to entrain us to be the same as one another and strive for no common behavioural morals but to strive for academic excellence and that for ‘a matter of fact’ you are a nobody until you have climbed the corporate ladder and made it to the top, big wod of cash in hand, business suit on and a fake white smile to prove happiness.

I often wonder what the top would feel like, whether the smell of money would make the journey worth it and if the lonely ache in the chest would be filled with the knowledge of officially ”making it”.

As long as I can remember I have just wanted to be a mother and wife, the classic traditional stay at home mother who creates decent little people, I didn’t dare tell anyone that when I was in high school, that was a little secret I would keep dear to my chest.

For some reason, unknown to me I was chosen to represent education a number of times, so I grew a passion for changing the traditional school system and bridging the gap between rural and metropolitan schools across Victoria.

Before I delve into my reasoning into disliking the traditional school system, I need to tell you about the train of thought I had when it came to admitting I actually had no career goal.

When I was 16 I was putting salt out with my father, he was telling me about some heifers we had due to drop soon with the comment afterwards “man it would be handy if you became a vet”, I remember it stunted me and I just stared at him before he laughed and continued “we all know that wouldn’t happen, you won’t be happy until you have a rugby team of babies running around the house” that was what got me, he knew? Everyone knew.

Would that disappoint him? If I didn’t strive for something incredible if I didn’t become someone enormous and if the enormity of my success was dependent on what my father wanted, would I make my dad unproud if I, in fact, fell in love, had babies and spent my days gardening and making jam?

See my parents never pushed me to be anything, lucky for me they weren’t the sit me down after school careers day and tell me what classes to do to become who I want to be, they let me work it out for myself.

Teachers are remarkable people, people, we need to acknowledge a whole lot more then what we do, my teachers were constantly staying passed the lunchtime bell to explain to me where I went wrong in an essay, I watched them come into school at 6 am and set up a classroom full of fun activities to engage us in learning, they did four years of university to get to that spot, four years of sitting in a lecture theatre getting taught to become the people they despised less than 6 months ago.

In year 10 I told my careers advisor I wanted to be an agronomist, it was the only career I could think of that let me work in the field I wanted and return home with a decent salary to sustain the high life I wanted to live, I neglected the fact I hated everything to do with science and the fact I didn’t know what nuclear mass was, nor did I care.

But I had a friend who wanted nothing more than to be a nurse and it suited her, every time I visualise her and her future career it was that so she took on classes that would help her get there and the classes fit, she liked them because they were related.

No one never recognised my love for writing, I don’t know why but no one ever did, maybe I wasn’t strong enough to strive for a career that allowed me to express that, maybe I couldn’t admit that to myself either.

To everyone currently doing year 12, I beg of you to do the classes you enjoy, it will make your experience that much better, also you know those people who say “you will miss it when it’s finished, the real world isn’t very fun” that’s a lie, I promise you it gets better and the real world is amazing.

The idea to collaborate students into stretching their minds to the limits inside a classroom to create mental fitness before the hike of university begins, I understand that. Although I don’t think it should be such a big heavy handed push we are given, I never understood gap years, I thought they were stupid, putting off the inevitable, now I think they are the best idea to come around since sliced bread.

Go enjoy stuff, travel, work, make money (you’ll need it if a university is what you choose) and just find out your likes and interests outside of your hometown and the comfort of your bedroom with the bed your mum most likely still makes.

Maybe it isn’t the education system I don’t like, because I did enjoy primary school, I enjoyed learning in Tallangatta Valley, I liked that my teachers insisted we put our hands up to speak and we must hold hands when crossing the road, I enjoyed that, I thoroughly did it wasn’t until I reached high school I struggled, because the hand up in the air no longer got me attention, I had to know the answer I had to find that out myself.

When I was chosen to represent education and to speak about my misunderstanding of the system it was shocking to see how many peers felt the same, that the push to reach the top of education was too much for their little growing minds.

Not being a negative nelly I do believe the system is improving, now I watch my nieces and nephews go to school and learn all the things they need to, but there is a huge unanswered question inside me about that lingering preconceived idea that our children need to reach excellence academically to earn salaries to sustain them in the future, maybe that’s the question that has created this loathe, after all, it is getting harder and harder to afford necessities and it will only get worse, so maybe it isn’t the fear of failure that pushes the future generation, maybe it is, in fact, the need to live.

A message to the students deciding what they want to be: don’t stress it will work itself out, I know that sounds hard but I promise you that you will get where you need to be and when. No class you take will determine your success, in saying that create your own form of success.

For all of you wondering, no I am no longer studying Agricultural Science, life seemed to pop up and I took a different direction, a direction I most definitely needed to take, so every sleepless night I spent learning the molecular weight of an atom is no longer relevant to my everyday life and hooley dooley am I glad for that!

“It is better to be decent at a lot of things than to excel in one thing,” my grandad, Ron Apps, the most content man you will ever meet. 

Today’s Thoughts – Becoming Better

I have been going through this stage where I am debating the “real world”, now I work full time and no longer study a degree that allows me to be surrounded by adolsenct teenagers striving for nothing but a good time and to escape their home town hibernation, I am constantly surrounded by people of different age groups and different life ambitions, all vastly different people and it constantly baffles how some people can evolve to be so utterly mean, so driven by the goals that they forget about the little things along the way and then some people who are so thoughtful in their actions I crave their presence daily.

So this brings me to this weeks blog post, becoming a better version of me. Preaching about taking different people to create a functioning world but also battling to find the words to describe the audacity of some words and actions that people can have.

I called dad today and confessed I was having troubles trying to find the words to describe some people, confessing I don’t understand why people need to be so cruel, why can’t people be nice all the time and this was his reply – “My dear girl, it takes all kind of people to make this world, just accept people the way they are, learn from it, ensure you don’t absorb those traits and everything will be dandy.”

So of course, I blew up in a big emotional babble about understanding the way I feel and why, is it just me who is  over sensitive and other people don’t read into people’s behaviour like I do, if you were to ask one of my friends if I’m over-sensitive, they’d say most definitely but if you were to ask another friend they’d say no, two entirely different people with two entirely different outlooks on like, having different morals, different upbringings that have made them the way they are.

I watch my nieces and nephews grow up, I see my sisters and brothers – as their parents tell them to use their please and thank you’s, I see them get growled at when they don’t reply to a stranger when they get the “Oh what cute little cowboy boots you are wearing” or the “How old are you now love”, but then I also see their parents accept the little people they are becoming- for instance one of my nieces is going through this stage where she screams bloody murder when someone she is unfamiliar with erupts in laughter, my sister has accepted that as a step of growing and that she, of course, won’t always be screaming at laughter, for our sake I hope not anyway. She gives her a hug, kisses her on the head and tells her to take a few deep breaths and soon after that she is okay, so how do parents know that is a step of growing and not a child being rude? I hope for the sake of my future children I become half the parent my siblings are.

Parents are trying their hardest to mould decent people, so where has that line of no longer taking parental advice and becoming your own person came in?

We are here for a good time not a long time, I don’t see the point in being sour, in making others hurt or feel uncomfortable, but who am I to tell people when they are being rude and that the way they are choosing to live is draining, after all, I am just a 20-year-old woman trying to find my feet on this weird unruly pursuit of happiness.

When I was little around the age of 7 I was a sod of a thing, no one could catch me smiling nor could they catch me unattached to one of my parents legs, twirling their hair so it go all caught up around my finger, never replying to the strangers who spoke to me nor knowing how to converse, I remember constantly getting growled at, but then on my days of over sensitivity busting at my little chest I remember the “Brides is just a little shy today”. How did mum know I would grow out of that?

As I got older I watched my dad light up a room when he walked into it, peoples faces would glow and laughter would fill the room making my belly warm and head as clear as a summer morning, so maybe it was then when I started to reply to strangers and smile when I didn’t have to.

My nan and pap were similar to dad, always laughing and cuddling people who looked like they needed it, making anyone who came near them feel welcome, so maybe that is where dad took his approach from, I am most certain he was growled at for not using his please and thank yous, for his elbows on the table and chewing with his mouth open, as those old fashioned values reflected in his parenting to a high degree.

So then I watched my parents raise 10 children and all of us become completely different people, where did that step come in? If we were all raised under the same guideline how did some of us take away different values away and use them today, we all have different approaches to parenting, different approaches to controversial decisions and most of all a different degree of emotional integrity?

I love all my siblings for different reasons, so where did that love stem from, what if I didn’t know them the way I do, I wonder if I would still look at them all in ore for the beautiful creatures they are or I wonder if I would take a step back and wonder why they said that.

Sometimes when I am surrounded by people and a rude remark is made, I wonder where they didn’t learn. Did their parents forget to mention the “if you don’t have something nice to say don’t say it at all” or did they just believe that was ok and people would accept them the way they are?

Sometimes I come across people whose aura makes my chest open and you can’t wipe the smile off my face, others make my eyes fill with tears and shoulders hunch in a fight against myself in order to keep my emotions in check to get me through the introduction.

I have some friends who have no filter in the words they say, others who don’t say anything at all, some friends who can’t justify their actions and some who understand exactly who they are and why.

I have no doubt in my mind I have said things and done things I am not proud of and that sits in the view of some people who now hear my name, but I hope one day the person I become takes away the sting of those words.

I am still trying to work out who I am going to be, I hope everyone is still altering their behaviour to the best of their ability, after all, we are all here searching for a place where we feel welcome and like we have finally found home, so why can’t we be decent people when doing that, why can’t we give time to have a chat at the local bakery about cream buns, smile at strangers who walk past us, keep rude remarks to ourselves and when we do decide to bring new life into the world, teach them to be decent people, just like our parents did.

Have your bad days, by all means, I swear some days my roommates hide in their rooms to avoid my mood swings, but as dad always says, it’s a bad day and not a bad life and as I am getting older and I am getting to know more about myself and who I want to be the mood swings get fewer and the bad days become more minimal.

So as I wrap up today’s thoughts I thought it was important that I also take away the advice that mum reminds me every time I sook, “take people the way they are”, but to also justify in my mind that parts of those people are not who I want to be.