I know I haven’t written on my blog in a good few months, but I have been keeping up with little snippets of my life and what not on Instagram and Facebook, but I thought its time for a big Bridie spill of bottling thoughts, especially after a recent talk I had with a friend from my hometown, about the topic I am going to talk about.
So this post comes at a time to which I believe is fitting – DIVORCE
After I explain to people my parents are no longer together, the first question is almost always “do they get along?” and it baffles me.
Yes, why wouldn’t they? They may be separated but they once loved each other enough to have a baby together they can certainly “get along” for the sake of their daughter.
My parents are polar opposite people, sometimes I don’t understand how they found each other in the first place, I am an exact clone of my fathers emotions – both people who were born to love yet cursed to feel and my mother, on the other hand, is preacher of tough love, an independent lady who aspires to be provider.My other nine siblings were never affected by the situation like I was, well maybe they were but never read into it like I do. So I am sure if you were to ask them they would have different points of action, especially considering they are older than me and have children of their own to take into account.
Now that I am 20 both mum and dad don’t dare breathe a bad word about one another when I am near, they both came to my school concerts when I was growing up, sat beside each other, talked like they always had and no longer felt love for one another but felt it for their daughter they created and that’s ok, that’s been my normal since I was 7 and I don’t mind it, in fact I am so damn thankful for the experience.
Sure when the breakup was fresh and the wound still wept an ooze of regret and hatred they said bad things, some hurtful words were thrown around my delicate 7-year-old ears that still echoes when I attempt love myself, although thanks to that I now know what the big L word is meant to be like.
So here’s what I have observed coming from separated parents and what I solely believe should be the case.
– It’s not a broken family, I hate that term I prefer it to be a Rubix cube family. You just have to do some rearranging to find the right colours, there’s more than one way to solve a Rubix cube.
– Don’t say a bad word about your ex-partner, don’t weaken the view your child has of them, no matter how raw and horrible your past was, don’t speak ill of them. Let your children form their own opinion of who their parents are, they can decide what they like and dislike.
– You once loved someone enough to have a child with them, even if it was a one-off event, you saw a glimpse of a future with them, you saw something special in them, please don’t forget that.
– Never say ” you are just like your mother” or “that’s something your father would do” in a negative tone. Don’t build up this bad image, don’t make your child believe the traits they have inherited are bad because with that sits regret and you don’t ever want your child to believe they were a regret. (My mother always said I stir my tea like my father, the spoon clinks loudly in a irritating way so now I make the effort to stir even louder, sorry mum.)
– Notice the parts of them that they have taken from your ex-partner, love those traits as much as you did when you dated the father\mother of your child. You created this child and its up to you to create a happy household and a full family, once you’ve had a baby it’s your words and actions they take away, make them good, create decent people.
– Don’t ever put your new partner before your child, learn to be alone and be a single parent, form a strong relationship with your child before you let new love into the Rubix cube family, ensure your children are happy, after all, you made them they should be the priority.
– Let your children form their own opinion of the breakup/divorce and their parents, don’t influence that in a toxic mashup of uncertain events.
I was placed into this world by two people who weren’t in love, but they just loved me twice as hard. I have taught my father the minor tough love traits I have inherited from my mother and thought my mother about empathising with situations out of her control.
Thanks to you two I am who I am today and am continually growing.
To my future husband, I will be so sure of my love for you and who I am as a person that what I have said in this blog post is not relevant to you.
To my parents, if you are reading this which I am positive you will be, thank you for loving me enough to “get along”.